Advice on how to support a neurodivergent family or work colleague at Christmas

Chrissa Wadlow, founder of Sunshine Support – an award-winning organisation that provides advocacy and training for parents, carers and professionals of children and young people with special needs – says that there is no such thing as the “perfect” Christmas, and that trying to cater to everyone’s needs is exhausting.

But, as mum-of-four Chrissa explains, there are things that you can do to limit meltdowns, burnouts and tears.

“The closer we get to Christmas, the more that pressure builds,” said Chrissa, who set up Sunshine Support in 2017 after a gruelling battle with the local authority to secure the right education provision for her daughter.

“Over the years, I can honestly say that I’ve witnessed my fair share of pre-Christmas meltdowns. It’s not shocking to me either. These sorts of things are common in neurodivergent people without the added tension.

“What I have found helpful, though, is to acknowledge the expectations and just gently lower them. There’s no need to set unrealistic and stressful goals.”

For children, a visit to see Father Christmas in his grotto and marvelling at the lights is common practice. And for adults, the annual office party, Christmas shopping and perfecting dinner on December 25 are amongst our yearly worries.

Chrissa admits that whilst these events can be fun, keep an eye on your social battery – and be aware of a sensory overload.

“Individual people have individual needs, neurodivergent or not,” said Chrissa.

“When it comes to my family and socialising over the festive period – catching up with people we haven’t seen for a while, trips to see Father Christmas, office parties and maybe a cheeky pub crawl – we quickly become burnt out. It’s all great fun, yet it can take its toll on our social batteries.

“It’s not that we don’t want to socialise; it’s just too draining at times. Yes, it can be a very exciting time, but we really must remember to check in with ourselves to ensure we aren’t pushing too hard and zapping too much of our energy.

“Secret Santa? Scrap it! It may sound drastic but an estimated £42 million is spent every year on unwanted gifts and it’s just another pressure at this time of year.

“There are lots of new smells, flashing lights and loud music to cope with over Christmas, too.

“Although it can be magical, for those with sensory difference, it can be a living nightmare. It can make us anxious and often leads to meltdowns. We must also consider the sensory seekers amongst us, also! And managing a family of both seekers and avoiders can be overwhelming in itself, so be kind to yourself.

“I have found that the best way to combat this is to take myself – or my children – out of the situation. If you see someone doing just this at the Christmas party, they’re not being anti-social; they just need a moment. I also plan a lot of down time for us all, so we have time to rest and recuperate and have that all important connection with the people or things that help us regulate our physical and emotional selves”

Finally, Chrissa says that the pressure of cooking the perfect, Instagram-able Christmas dinner is, often, unachievable.

She said: “Just do what works for you. What’s the point of celebrating when we are forcing ourselves into stressful and anxiety inducing situations?

“This doesn’t mean we should scrap Christmas altogether, but perhaps what we should be doing is making the holidays suitable for our own collective needs. We don’t have to conform to the unrealistic standards of having “the perfect Christmas”.

“Perhaps you scrap the roast dinner and order take away? Or decide not to decorate and just celebrate in a calm and familiar environment? Whatever works, works.“Of course, there may and probably will be judgement from other families, but everyone family has their own issues. We must avoid comparing ours to others and just enjoy our own celebrations in whatever shape of form we choose.”