Fost days of retirement were a real shock to system

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When tha’ retires you never sure ‘ow you gooin to fill your days.

It were a shock to me when I gorrup one day an’ there were no packed lunch in fridge.

I were waiting for Stan to pull up in ‘is Ford Mondeo and ‘onk ‘is ‘orn to gi’ me a lift. Never ‘appened.

That fost morning I watched Breakfast, Lorraine and Jeremy Kyle an’ I thought is this it? Is this what I’ve wokked nigh on 50 years for?

That’s when I decided I ‘ad to do summat. I got mesen ‘lotment, joined indoor bowls club and joined male voice choir.

I didn’t last long after conductor said I couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. Burrit were where I met Webby. I’d non sin ‘im since we left school.

‘e went inter mills when I went down pit and we just drifted apart. I ‘eard ‘e got married. ‘ad to after ‘e put his pen in one too many ink wells. Now ‘ere ‘e was, basso profundo.

He alluz did ‘ave a big gob.

Funnily enough, I started seeing ‘im regular around town.

I’d be ‘avin a pint in Railway an’ e’d tonn up. I’d gutta park an’ he’d be walkin’ through wi’ iz dog Cloughie. Sometimes Gert’d send me t’ Co-op for milk or a jar o’ piccalilli an’ blow me Webby’d be there.

One day, Gert decides she’s goin’ to visit Freda Frith in Derby ‘ospital. Now this were disconcerting.

We ‘ad a routine and Thozdizz was when we went t’ supermarket an’ gorra wicks shoppin’. I said to ‘er that I were a bit put out by turn of events an’ couldn’t she goo another day. Light the blue touch paper and stand back.

During the inevitable tirrade of whats, whys and wherefores she chucked into the pot what tonned out to be a really good idea. “There’s a matinee at pictures. Half ten. Get thissen off there.”

Thi called it “Silver Screen” and it were for pensioners. Tonns out thi gid yer a cup o’ tea and a biscuit after and you didn’t even ‘ave to give blood. So off I went. I ‘ad shock o’ me life. Thi were queuein’ down street.

It took a while to get to front. Most folk were either deaf or daft and girl on door ‘ad to ask questions three times to gerrany sense out on ‘em. I were just gooin’ through pick’n’mix when this voice whispered in me ear. “I’ll ‘ave some o’ them licorice twists.” I tonned round and it were Webby. “Come on else best seats’ll be gone.”

Webby suggested we sit on back row. I tode ‘im we weren’t on a date. Anyhow, we got settled and there some adverts fost. That’s when I noticed the feint smell o’ Firey Jack and TCP but it were all rate.

Film were King’s Speech. Folks kept saying it were good but I weren’t that chuffed. It ‘ad that Colin Frith in it. You couldn’t tell a word he said. He stuttered and stammered. You’d a’thought thi coulda found somebody that could talk properly.

Webby said he enjoyed it. Don’t know ‘ow, ‘e slept through most on it. ‘e woke up just before end. ‘e said “Whats ‘appenin’?” I tode ‘im that we’d declared war on Germany and ‘e said ‘e ‘oped it didn’t go to penalties.